The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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