is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
