can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
How's work?
Spinning.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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