Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
