mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
