i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
