I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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