I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
