I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
