I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I can't put those talents on a resume
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
