I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
