I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
