I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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