i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
