so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
