everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
