HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
