And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
