I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
