My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
