just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
