My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
