I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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