I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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