but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
