Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
