dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
