Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We're too hungover to prance.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
