I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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