I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
