Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
