you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
