Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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