mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
