plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
