i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
