Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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