You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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