so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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