You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
