I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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