First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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