he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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