We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
