my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
