Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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