why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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