She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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