went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
