My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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